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lilkinkymonker89
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Birthday: 1/3/1989
Interests: hmm i have a lot lets just say that. mostly reading, watching TV and movies, taking photos, history ect. i like to sleep, i love rainy days and thunderstorms. Sunny days are ok. umm music, and just hanging out with my friends.
Expertise: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. So it's not going to be easy; it's going to be really hard. We're going to have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that. Because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. <33
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/7/2004
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| While attempting to finish a research paper for English this mourning, I once again found myself helplessly distracted by the Internet. While on the usual sites, myspace and facebook, I actually took the time out to read some blogs. While on my boyfriend's facebook, I read his post about "Change". After reading it twice, it sent chills through me and I imminently went to xanga to blog.
Upon hearing my decision to stay home and commute to school many of you gave the same exact face. Whether you voiced your feelings or just looked at me like I was a crazy you all were thinking the same thing: 'why?'. For a while I was very annoyed at this and just snapped back that it was my choice, when in truth there are many reasons why I have opted to still live at home.
I know that I do not need to explain myself to anyone, frankly that's not what I'm doing. Rather, I feel that by giving all of you a little bit of insight to my reasoning it may help you guys see past my rough edges. I'm not ready. I know deep down in my heart that I am not ready to leave, I can't. I do not deal with the progression of life or change in a good way.
Last year was an incredibly difficult year for me. For the most part I knew what was going to come, I knew that eventually this day had to come and yet, when it did, I still hurt. I still do. My relationship with Kevin, has been one that I can look back on and smile. He is my older brother. Always telling me to stay away from guys, and looking out for my wellbeing. Last year we grew even closer and I told him that I didn't want him to leave. Kevin promised me that I would only be an IM away and that when he came home to visit that I would see him.
Unfortunately I believed him. At the time I didn't want to accept that I would be losing my big brother and I was just going to have to deal. I was a complete wreck at graduation and yet I gained one photo with him. One photo out of four years of friendship. It's one of my favorites, and means so much to me because I only have one. I wish that we still could have stayed close but I understand now why we couldn't.
It’s the sucky part of growing up and as much as I don't want to admit it, my relationship with all you is probably going to end up the same way. I know that you all say that we will stay close and the will see each other but I know that we won't. I'm most scared about losing Brittany. We have been friends for seven years. Seven years of ups and downs and yet we always make it thought. She is not even a friend she is my sister. Whenever she comes over she's family and she knows it.
I'm so scared to lose her and I know that deep down our friendship will remain and that we will always stay close. I'd even like to think that when the time comes for us to have kids that we will raise our kids together. I know I plan way far in advance but we have both deiced that we are each other's maids of honor. And I’m keeping her to that promise.
I know that change must happen, and I know that things have to grown and evolve. Lately I've been better with that and I'm looking forward to some types of change. Mainly when it’s good. I'm looking forward to my growing relationship with Jack. His amazing in every sense of the word, and I am the luckiest girl in world for being his girlfriend. That type of change I don't mind because it’s very good.
I just don't want to lose anyone. I can't. My family and friends are my life. Each and every one of you guys is my life. I don't care what happens to me, I don't care if I'm sick or lose a limb, or what, all that matters to me is you guys. Your happiness and well-being. That's all that has ever mattered to me. As long as you guys are happy that's all I need to know.
Now, at 18, I've come to term with many things. I know that I cannot save someone if they don't want to be saved. No matter how much I want to, they have to save themselves. All I can do is be there for them and support them. (Which I do). I've learned that the past is the past, there are bad things that had to happen in order for the good to come and even though the rough times suck and the worst is terrible in the end the good is well worth it.
I'm thankful for all that I have. For the people of love and care about me and support me in all that I do. I'm so blessed and lucky. I'm probably most thankful for a certain someone, someone who I found through in an unlikely way and have turned out to be the best think that has ever happened to me.
I guess all of the pain and sorrow that I had to go through was for a reason. The reason being that without it I wouldn't haven been able to open up and let someone know what has happened. I wouldn't have been able to find happiness and feel like I’m flying all the time.
Now, I have an understanding of why things must happen, and for now I'm not ready to leave home yet. Call me crazy or stupid but I know what I can handle, and I do push myself but I can't push away from my family. No matter how many arguments or disagreements they’re my family. And right now that's were I need to be. I get along with them and eventually I will leave and start my own life apart from them, but until then, home is where my heart is, and home is were I'm belong.
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| my family is coming over on january 1st at 2:00, if anyone else is free your more then welcome to come. i dont need gifts i just want to hang out with my big brother :( yeah thats all, as for my birthday wish that guy, well he's not interested. anyway january 3rd for all you guys who didnt know. big 18. | | |
| so the guy i like is about as interested in me as he is in a jar of dirt. soo take that out of the birthday equation and the fact that medieval times is closed. basically all i want is for kevin to surpise me during lunch and get another photo with him. cause i miss him and hes kevin and yeah.. thats all i want no gifts, no party just seeing my big brother. fyi i'm not getting a party anyway. damn my 18th is gonna blow. | | |
| i still miss keivn, and i feel like such a lame ass. i know that i'm overly emotional and that i'm annoying but still. since this school year has started i swear i've only talked to him twice. i donno it just bothers me because i dont think that i did anything wrong. on january 3, 2007 i'll be 18. i have the perfect day planned out in my head but i knowt that its not going to happe. that day is sign in. i'd go out to breakfast with britt and then come to school by 8:25, then my classes would be chill and i'd go to lunch. lunch would be a good lunch cause ideally kevin would surprise me and i'd scream and cry and be really really happy and give him a big hug and people would take lots of pitcures for me. then after school a certain someone would pick me up and just let me know that he likes me. (cause really thats all i want to know is that he likes me the same way that i like him). now at night me and my family, keivn, brittany, andrew, and all of my other friends would go to MEDIEVAL TIMES because they have a show at 7:30. and nathan would be lord marshall and trinity would be there too. so thats carolyn's fantasy birthday. a day so perfect that it will keep me happy forever. but i know that its not going to happen i know that. cause i'm carolyn and my life just doesnt work out that way. hopefully kevin will come back for graduation. at least if i can get a photo of me and him for my graduation then i think i'll be ok. *sigh* why the hell am i so freaken emo!! i cant fucking stand it.  | | |
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